Monday, April 20, 2009

The Post That Chick Wants Me to Write

This is me: "Run Chick, Run!"
This is Chick: "He's biting me! On my butt! He's biting *ow* my *ow* butt!"

Me: "Wait, wait, I did it wrong, let me fix it... uh... ok, now, run again, run faster!"
Chick: "C'mon Charlie, c'mon! Let's go! MOM! OW! Zap him, zap him!"

Me: "darn it, the battery isn't working. Shoot. Wait.... hold on... wait... ok GO! Run! Let him bite you again - see if you can get him to bite you.. Go Faster!"
Chick: "Uh, Ok... here we go...Ow! Zap him mo-OW, MOM, zap him!"
Me: "I'm TRYING! Keep running, keep running... oh, never mind!"

Me: "Ya know, maybe this isn't such a good idea, let's put the dog in his crate and I'll fix these batteries ok?"
Chick: "DUH! You Think? I bet you'll blog this won't you?"

*No animals were harmed in this particular incident.
**Note to self: 1) next time, buy name brand batteries and 2) check batteries before encouraging dog to bite child on butt

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Pissy Mood still in effect... however tonight my darling husband took the kids out to a baseball game and let me stay home alone. This is my heaven.

Solitude calls to me the way that a drink calls to an alcoholic, the way a fix calls to a user. Solitude whispers to me even in the dead of night and I wake up longing for it (but too lazy to get out of bed to access it!) I hunger for solitude all the way down in the core of my bones. It hurts.

Since beginning homeschooling my Chick a year and a half ago, solitude is rare - oh, I get out sometimes, with friends, with my husband, and even by myself at times and I always enjoy these diversions. I love spending time with my friends and my date nights with my husband are treasures to me. But time alone, in my house, is what my soul requires. Before schooling Chick, I had all 3 kids in public school. My time was delicious. It was so fulfilling. That time is gone.

Tonight is an appetizer of solitude. First I ran around doing some housework. I actually enjoy cleaning my house (especially when I am charged up on solitude!) I cleaned my kitchen and did the floors in the kitchen, dining, entry, and living rooms. I lit candles and turned off the TV and the computer and just hummed around in a mild state of delirieum. I called a few friends and played chase with the dog. I ran some laundry and then I put on my comfiest jammies and made some tea... and got sidetracked by the wallpaper border I'm trying to scrape off the kids bathroom wall and that kept me busy for a few minutes (the previous owners painted over a border and put up a new border right on top of it... ugh!).

I reheated my tea and sat down here to play with my solitude like a child with a
new kids games!

And now, lest my solitude dissapears without my fully enjoying it, I'm off to make a bowl of ice cream and sit down with my new book and watch my pissy mood dissolve in the silence around me.

Monday, March 23, 2009


Some days I awaken slowly. Stretching tip to toe and creaking and popping painfully. My mind wonders, "will today be any different? Will I drink a pot of coffee in cup after cup of cold forgotten-ness? Will I shuffle from one chore to the next debating over how badly it really needs doing? Will I look at my to do list with knots of anxiety, planning out how much longer I can make it before really having to go make that bank deposit/pick up milk?" Then I roll over and decide to get out of bed, decide to move, decide to see what happens.

Today I noticed the sun was shining and I didn't hear fat plops and whispers of rain, but the cheerful persistant call of birds. Today I stretched and creaked and popped my way downstairs to see my clean clean kitchen and shiny smooth floors, to see sunlight streaming through the pure white bow tied curtains at my window and the velvet scarlet of my rhododendrons outside. Today I poured my coffee and tasted the rich bitterness of it, hot and sweet in my mouth. Today I smelled the freshness of the morning when I fed my dog and we were both a little happier. Today I started laundry before I even drank my first cup of coffee and my day is already awake and going and I feel... unscared, unanxious, undark. I feel peaceful, reverent, easy and light. I feel the warmth of the sun on my back and it is good.

Today I will not worry about how long this peace will last, if it will carry me through the day or just until noon. Today I will not worry about tomorrow. Today I will not worry, but simply enjoy each moment that presents itself until that moment passes. And if the next moment brings back fear and anxiety, darkness or the sluggish immobility that comes with it, then I will accept that for what it is and wait for the next awakening.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Please... Leave my kids alone.

Some while back, I read this post from Kiwords and it never left my mind. I mean, yeah, sometimes it leaves my mind, but I sort of often think about it. Since I have a son and all... and daughters too.

Today at the checkout line in my favorite grocery store, the young and hip male cashier asked my Bear how old she was. "8 and a half" she replied, stressing the "half" part strongly. The tongue peirced bleach blond bagger ooh-ed and ahh-ed in a fakey way and then the bagger and cashier proceeded to tell my impressionable daughter how much she would HATE high school and how much it "SUCKED" (yep, actual word they used...) to have to work in a grocery store and yadda yadda yadda.

After a moment of frozen horror, I said, "Uh, hey - no, really... high school is cool right? I mean, you have different classes and it's FUN... RIGHT???" in such an obvious attempt at getting them to shut their stupid ignorant too-cool-for-you mouths. They quickly picked up the bait but went on to tell my Bear how she could go to Harvard and be a Lawyer as if it were a trip to DisneyWorld.

I could have smacked the both of them. And then washed their mouths out with soap. And then made them go live in a homeless shelter for a week. Idiots.

Also, in that same grocery store, I had a small revelation.

Bear wanted to look at the halloween displays while I perused the meat case looking for something tasty. I agreed, since it was within eyesight. She came back and forth a few times and finally I told her, "Almost done here, stay with me now so we can move on..." and then I went back to weighing out the options of a Pork Roast or some thick chops. When I turned around she had darted off again back to the halloween display. I was annoyed, and having promised myself to reduce my "loud voice" I was going to have to back track and go over to where she was. Then I thought, "Well, it's her fault for running off, what if I just slip into this aisle and wait for her to notice that I'm gone? Surely that will teach her not to wander off without permission!" And I took my self righteous holier than though ass into a side aisle while peeking at her from a rack of potato chips. The problem was that I couldn't really see her from where I was. I could imagine that she was near, but I couldn't actually SEE her. After a moment or two of being annoyed (what? she hasn't come looking for me yet?) I began to worry a little (did she start looking for me all by herself? what if she gets lost!) and I poked my head out of the aisle only to see her intently poking the eyes out of some halloween delight. Grrr... how is THIS going to teach her a lesson? And then the thought popped into my mind that it would take only a second for a stranger to grab her by the arm and hustle her away from me. One second for a predator to walk by her and stroke her shiny hair, or worse, her cute bottom. In one second, every story I'd ever heard about sexual predators and their commonplace every day lives ran through my head. What if that Grandpa man buying a bag of sugar free halloween treats was scoping out my Bear? What if that daddy with his toddler was really on the prowl for a little girl? Lordy did I light out of that aisle and get my Bear back within my own reach. Someone learned a lesson alright. And it wasn't Bear.

Please. Leave my kids alone. They are young, impressionable, innocent, and helpless. Let them stay that way for awhile longer yet. Let them be sweet and silly and safe... there really is a lot of bad stuff out there and I'd like to make sure they don't know about it quite yet.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Bare Bear

it's only fair
that my little bear
receive her share
of blog fanfare...


Once when Bear was three, we were out in public and someone near us sneezed. I said to Bear, "what do we say when someone sneezes honey?" and she turned to the person and said, "Cover your mouth!"

When Chick had her first real date last year, Bear asked the boy, "What are your inventions with my sister?"

Bear came home from school recently and was upset about an argument she'd had with her best friend at school. I said, "Well, what did you say to her?" Bear replied, "I said, 'I'm takin' you down T, I'm takin' you down'!"

Bear occasionally mimics people. She particularly likes to say, with the perfect eye-roll, "SIGH" just like Chick - it ALWAYS makes us laugh.

Bear often has trouble with names: names of people, names of places, names of things. A few years back we were at a vacation house with lots of family and Bear kept asking, "Where is that guy? Where is that other guy?" And after a lot of questioning she finally said, "you know, the guy in the red jacket?" We looked and pointed asking, "is it him? is it him?" over and over until we saw one 'guy' in a red jacket: her grandfather. So now we often refer to Grampa Manny as "the guy in the red jacket" (he's a 49's fan...)

Bear likes it when we make up stories about her... especially silly goofy UN-true stories. She'll frequently say, in the presence of our pastor or her grandparents or the school principal, things like, "MOM! Tell the story of the time I spit in bank lady's face!" or "DAD! Tell about when I kicked the policeman in his knee!"

No one will forget daddy taking the three kids to the store so Chick could return a bra she had purchased that didn't fit. Bear asks outloud, LOUD, in the middle of the store, "Whats a BRA?". Daddy looks around, points at a display and whispers, "There, THATS a bra." Bear continues, "OHHHH, they're so squishy!"

Yepl That's my bear... keeping things real!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Secret of The Peaceful Warrior

Tonight my husband read this book to our kids. I didn't really listen as I was working on making lunches and drinking wine - you know, the important things - but later on I sat and read through the book. It was totally lovely! I can't say what I liked more; the book, or the thought of my big bear husband reading it to our littlest ones. *insert happy contented sigh and wipe away a tender tear...

In other news...

Today I made the decision to turn down an offer of money. Uh, sometimes known as a job. Yep. Thats right, I turned down a job. A job, I should mention, that I need, that I wanted, and that I would be perfect for. Ok, go back and read the last 5 words of that last sentence... "i. would. be. perfect. for." Can you see where the error lies? See, I would be the perfect person for 'that job', but 'that job' is not the perfect job for me. I can't even explain all the emotions involved in turning down an job. I need the income - my family and I need the income. I would most likely love the job. It's work I've done before. How could I actually turn down an opportunity like this? I'll give you three reasons why this job won't work: Chick, Buddy, and Bear.

Ok. I'll admit, I've been a bit spoiled. I have not worked much since I've had kids. I spent plenty of time whining about the last job I had which was a whopping 24 hours a week of very very flexible and accomodating hours. But still - the whole working mom thing was way beyond me. I'd only ever worked MY hours at MY convenience at MY whim doing doula work and to be committed to 24 hours a week of real live office and paperwork job was pretty daunting. I mean, when could I find time to scrub the toilets AND blog in addition to work? But seriously, that 24 hours was a blessing and a joy as well as a trial. I know I need to work now that we've done this whole cross country move thing twice in less than 2 years... but the job I turned down was a solid no frills no flexibility 40 hours a week. My husband said, " uh... hmmm. I have some serious reservations..." God, bless that man doubly okay? I would have taken the job out of guilt and a sense of responsibility. I would have committed my children to the care of strangers and been willing to increase my Xanax consumption... but my husband (fortunately!!!!) is far more rational! So... I turned down a job. This has only happened one other time. I was a single mom and the job paid something like $5.25 an hour for 20 hours a week. Daycare was a whopping $125 a week... uh... wait... even I could figure out that it was a wash! The unemployement office raked me over the coals but eventually I found other work. See, I will work, I want to work, I'm willing to do what it takes - but I don't do "stupid" either. So, today I turned down a job. It still sounds bad no matter how I justify it.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Weekend


I'm just not sure what else to say.

I'm fairly speechless although there is so much turmoil within that I don't know how I can NOT blog. Been there?

Do I blog about the experience of babysitting my best friends little boy who has autism? I am endlessly honored that she would trust me with her precious precious boy. I am frightened enough to leave my different little Bear with people that I can only imagine how much she fretted and worried over him while she was away. I felt so blessed to be the one she could ask. Little man is 8, and can mostly ask for the things he needs or wants but he also requires nearly constant attention. By Saturday's end, when I knew that K was only 15 minutes away, I was nearly in tears with relief that she'd be there soon, but also overwhelmed by guilt that this was something she experiences every. single. day. I had little man for 9 hours. 9 long hours of trying to just do the daily stuff I do on a sunny Saturday but not lose her son or allow him to destroy my house or hurt himself all at the same time. K is amazing. I always knew it, but now I KNOW it.

Do I blog about the mom of one of Buddy's teammates? The mom who whined the entire. stinking. game. about how her son was better as a pitcher than a catcher, that he was being wasted as a catcher. That if the coach thought her son was going to catch for 3 innings and then pitch that the coach had another think coming cuz her son wasn't going to ruin his arm by catching every ball and throwing every ball back to the pitcher only to then pitch an entire inning. The dad of the kid yelled at him the whole game. "Throw it D! Throw it! Don't hesitate!" "C'mon D! Throw it!" yadda yadda yadda. Did I tell you that these kids are 9 and 10? For some kids it is their first year in Jr. Little League, just coming up out of the Farm League. When she wasn't complaining about her son catching instead of pitching, she was critiquing every other kid. "bend your knees! Bend, bend!" "Raise that bat! Up, up, up!" "He doesn't know what he's doing! Why's he playing that position?" But she did it so that only the people surrounding her could hear. The dad would pace and smoke and yell at his son. ARGH! Next time I seriously need to sit FAR away from them. Far FAR away. My husband had to tell me more than once to lower MY voice, because I was quite getting fed up with those two! By the way, my buddy pitched almost 3 full innings and then caught for the last 2. He did a damn good job! He wasn't perfect, wasn't outstanding or awesome but he was damn good! He pitched once or twice last year and had only caught once so he was pretty new at the whole thing. He did us proud!

Do I blog about how this evening, between 7:40 and 8:00 pm, while I was finishing up tidying the upstairs and checking email, my Chick had her heart broken? Do I tell you that the person she loves cheated on her then told her about it and dumped her? Or do I tell you about the rage I feel that someone would so callously use my girl, and that my girl would cry and cry and cry but still refuse to actually be angry at that lying cheating two timing shit hole? I'm now angry at the lying cheating two timing shit hole AND my Chick. I did not raise her to sit around and let someone else use her like that! How could she not be furious? How could she not tell that person to go take a flying leap? Why?


That was it.

My crazy weekend. It's a serene looking background here at STL, but my life is anything but.