Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Secret of The Peaceful Warrior

Tonight my husband read this book to our kids. I didn't really listen as I was working on making lunches and drinking wine - you know, the important things - but later on I sat and read through the book. It was totally lovely! I can't say what I liked more; the book, or the thought of my big bear husband reading it to our littlest ones. *insert happy contented sigh and wipe away a tender tear...

In other news...

Today I made the decision to turn down an offer of money. Uh, sometimes known as a job. Yep. Thats right, I turned down a job. A job, I should mention, that I need, that I wanted, and that I would be perfect for. Ok, go back and read the last 5 words of that last sentence... "i. would. be. perfect. for." Can you see where the error lies? See, I would be the perfect person for 'that job', but 'that job' is not the perfect job for me. I can't even explain all the emotions involved in turning down an job. I need the income - my family and I need the income. I would most likely love the job. It's work I've done before. How could I actually turn down an opportunity like this? I'll give you three reasons why this job won't work: Chick, Buddy, and Bear.

Ok. I'll admit, I've been a bit spoiled. I have not worked much since I've had kids. I spent plenty of time whining about the last job I had which was a whopping 24 hours a week of very very flexible and accomodating hours. But still - the whole working mom thing was way beyond me. I'd only ever worked MY hours at MY convenience at MY whim doing doula work and to be committed to 24 hours a week of real live office and paperwork job was pretty daunting. I mean, when could I find time to scrub the toilets AND blog in addition to work? But seriously, that 24 hours was a blessing and a joy as well as a trial. I know I need to work now that we've done this whole cross country move thing twice in less than 2 years... but the job I turned down was a solid no frills no flexibility 40 hours a week. My husband said, " uh... hmmm. I have some serious reservations..." God, bless that man doubly okay? I would have taken the job out of guilt and a sense of responsibility. I would have committed my children to the care of strangers and been willing to increase my Xanax consumption... but my husband (fortunately!!!!) is far more rational! So... I turned down a job. This has only happened one other time. I was a single mom and the job paid something like $5.25 an hour for 20 hours a week. Daycare was a whopping $125 a week... uh... wait... even I could figure out that it was a wash! The unemployement office raked me over the coals but eventually I found other work. See, I will work, I want to work, I'm willing to do what it takes - but I don't do "stupid" either. So, today I turned down a job. It still sounds bad no matter how I justify it.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Weekend

Well.

I'm just not sure what else to say.

I'm fairly speechless although there is so much turmoil within that I don't know how I can NOT blog. Been there?

Do I blog about the experience of babysitting my best friends little boy who has autism? I am endlessly honored that she would trust me with her precious precious boy. I am frightened enough to leave my different little Bear with people that I can only imagine how much she fretted and worried over him while she was away. I felt so blessed to be the one she could ask. Little man is 8, and can mostly ask for the things he needs or wants but he also requires nearly constant attention. By Saturday's end, when I knew that K was only 15 minutes away, I was nearly in tears with relief that she'd be there soon, but also overwhelmed by guilt that this was something she experiences every. single. day. I had little man for 9 hours. 9 long hours of trying to just do the daily stuff I do on a sunny Saturday but not lose her son or allow him to destroy my house or hurt himself all at the same time. K is amazing. I always knew it, but now I KNOW it.

Do I blog about the mom of one of Buddy's teammates? The mom who whined the entire. stinking. game. about how her son was better as a pitcher than a catcher, that he was being wasted as a catcher. That if the coach thought her son was going to catch for 3 innings and then pitch that the coach had another think coming cuz her son wasn't going to ruin his arm by catching every ball and throwing every ball back to the pitcher only to then pitch an entire inning. The dad of the kid yelled at him the whole game. "Throw it D! Throw it! Don't hesitate!" "C'mon D! Throw it!" yadda yadda yadda. Did I tell you that these kids are 9 and 10? For some kids it is their first year in Jr. Little League, just coming up out of the Farm League. When she wasn't complaining about her son catching instead of pitching, she was critiquing every other kid. "bend your knees! Bend, bend!" "Raise that bat! Up, up, up!" "He doesn't know what he's doing! Why's he playing that position?" But she did it so that only the people surrounding her could hear. The dad would pace and smoke and yell at his son. ARGH! Next time I seriously need to sit FAR away from them. Far FAR away. My husband had to tell me more than once to lower MY voice, because I was quite getting fed up with those two! By the way, my buddy pitched almost 3 full innings and then caught for the last 2. He did a damn good job! He wasn't perfect, wasn't outstanding or awesome but he was damn good! He pitched once or twice last year and had only caught once so he was pretty new at the whole thing. He did us proud!

Do I blog about how this evening, between 7:40 and 8:00 pm, while I was finishing up tidying the upstairs and checking email, my Chick had her heart broken? Do I tell you that the person she loves cheated on her then told her about it and dumped her? Or do I tell you about the rage I feel that someone would so callously use my girl, and that my girl would cry and cry and cry but still refuse to actually be angry at that lying cheating two timing shit hole? I'm now angry at the lying cheating two timing shit hole AND my Chick. I did not raise her to sit around and let someone else use her like that! How could she not be furious? How could she not tell that person to go take a flying leap? Why?

So.

That was it.

My crazy weekend. It's a serene looking background here at STL, but my life is anything but.